NOTE: For brevity, Dogs and Cats Go Hollywood will be called: The site or D&CGH.
TERMS AND CONDITIONS:
NOW HEAR THIS:
WE RESERVE THE RIGHT TO MESS AROUND WITH OUR WEBSITE
That’s because we are compulsive re writers and are constantly trying out new things. We also reserve the right to delete anything on the site at any time. If we do mess with anything, we’ll let you know about it here. If you use this site after we make changes, your use will mean you’re okay with the changes. You might want to look at this page often to be sure you are always familiar with the current terms. You also might want to set fire to your hair and try to put it out with a track shoe.
Don’t use any of the stuff on our site for any commercial reason unless we say it’s okay. Nobody, absolutely nobody can solicit and/or promote anything without my permission – and that specifically means collecting email addresses of anybody. You do that and we will throw a major hissy fit.
D&CGH does not knowingly collect any information from persons under the age of 13. However, if we unintentionally do, please do not drink or smoke this website.
You may submit content, including videos, pictures, other images, comments and text. You always own whatever you post with us, however you are also agreeing to allow us to use same for any promotional and/or commercial use, in perpetuity. This is to include, but is not limited to calendars, videos, mugs, t-shirts and tacky tattoos. If we do make any money off your stuff outside of the site, D&CGH will pay you a royalty not to exceed 1% of the gross profits.
In addition, you agree that:
When you give us content it means that you are allowing everyone, including people outside of D&CGH to see and use it.
You have kept a copy of any videos and photos because it’s a huge pain for D&CGH to return stuff to you;
D&CGH has the right to keep or delete and you hereby release D&CGH from any claims related thereto.
D&CGH shall have the right to arrange, organize, or mess with any Staff Member’s submission any way it damn pleases as long as it doesn’t break any laws. If we hurt your feelings, get over it.
D&CGH can publish or display comments or criticism submitted by others relating to submissions and you waive any claims against D&CGH for defamation. Just pretend it’s Thanksgiving at your parent’s house.
You will not put any link on our site w/o our permission.
HOW TO BEHAVE
You agree that:
Your submissions do not violate the rights of any person or other confidential information.
Your submissions do not contain pornography or obscene content (I’ll be the judge of that) nor will you be nasty to anyone. Just be nice!Unless given specific permission by Ted Bergman, your submissions will not constitute or contain an advertisement or solicitation of business of any kind.
In the unlikely event that you do a whole bunch of things that upset us we have the right to block you from our site and not only delete your submissions, but also make you give up your imaginary parking place.
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY (The word “Intellectual” is debatable.)
Everything on our site is our property and please don’t mess with it w/o our permission. Unauthorized use of any content displayed by D&CGH is a violation of United States and international copyright laws and in Texas they will kill you for it.
AND, BY THE WAY:
YOUR ACCESS TO AND USE OF THE SITE AND SERVICES ARE AT YOUR OWN RISK. IF YOU ARE DISSATISFIED WITH THE SITE OR SERVICES, STOP USING IT. Duh # 2.
D&CGH can, but is not obligated to remove from the site any submissions without notice. D&CGH will, but is not responsible for: monitoring, filtering, or pre-screening submissions; or anybody submitting any tacky content.
If you are still awake and have any questions or comments about these Terms of Service, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org
For brevity, Dogs and Cats Go Hollywood will be usually be referred to as: The site or D&CGH.
FIRST, LET ME SAY:
THE KINDS OF STUFF D&CGH COLLECTS:
Casual User Provided Information: You might provide certain personal information, like your name, nick name, things kids called you in school, email address, details of your first date, etc., when you choose to participate in various activities on our site, such as uploading files, posting messages, purchasing overpriced trinkets or sending us close up photos of your dog’s nostrils. In addition to personal information, you might send us non-personally identifiable information and content pertaining to your dog, such as breed, date of birth, photos and videos.
PASSIVE INFORMATION COLLECTION:
Like most websites, D&CGH automatically receives and records information on our server logs from your browser when you use D&CGH. We use a number of methods to collect this information, but we unconditionally declare that there is no intention to use any of it publicly without your permission. This stuff is basically used to help us diagnose problems with our servers, administer our site, gather anonymous traffic information about our users and prevent the bad guys from messing with us and you.
FACEBOOK INFORMATION COLLECTION:
If you log onto our site from Facebook you will be providing D&CGH access to certain information stored in your Facebook profile. We don’t want, not will we use any of your Facebook profile without first asking you. On our site you will be able to share our content with your Facebook friends. We do not view or store lists of your friends, especially that one who always seems to be drunk. We also don’t view or store any messages that you send to your friends.
HOW WE USE YOUR INFORMATION:
Email Address: When you participate in anything that requires registration, you have to provide a valid email address. We will only use this email address to contact you as part of the transaction process or for other fun things. If it isn’t fun for you, we won’t do it. We will not share your contact information with third parties unless you have specifically given us permission.
Your Name: When buying anything from Blatant Hucksterism (our site store) we will collect your full name during the checkout process to verify your credit card info. When signing up for other services that require registration, you may also provide your name so that we can personalize all communications you receive from us. Duh!
Your Financial Information: When buying stuff from us we request credit card or other payment account information which is maintained in encrypted form on secure servers. We do not share this information with any third party except for those companies responsible for processing credit card transactions and a Nigerian who occasionally might want to notify you that he’s holding your lottery winnings.
Your Passive Information: We use passively collected information to improve the user experience on our Site. That’s it.
DON’T WANT IT?
D&CGH will let you to choose to not receive certain types of email from us, except those that are absolutely necessary. Emails will usually contain a link at the bottom providing you the option to say, “Leave me alone!”
DISCLOSURE OF YOUR INFORMATION:
We will only drop a dime on you if the cops tell us to. Also, we’ll blab if we think someone is messing with us and we deem it necessary to protect ourselves and our services from fraud, abuse, or to generally cover our butt.
THIRD PARTY ADVERTISERS:
We may allow other so-called third-party ad servers or ad networks like Google AdSense, to put advertisements within the site. If you click on them they automatically receive your IP address and other log file information. Such third-party companies may also use other technologies to measure the effectiveness of their advertisements and to personalize their advertising content. Some third-party companies, such as Google, may also use these cookies to serve ads to you based on your visit. We do not provide your personal information to these third-party ad servers without your consent.
THIRD PARTY SERVICES, LINKS TO OTHER WEBSITES:
Our site may contain links (posted by D&CGH or other users) to websites and services provided by third parties. Any personal Information you provide on third-party sites or services is provided directly to that third party and is subject to that third party’s policies governing privacy and security. We are not responsible for the content or privacy and security practices and policies of third-party sites or services. Duh # 2.
D&CGH uses reasonable safeguards to watch over the security of your personal information. However, because of those little hacker punks, we cannot warrant the security of any information you transmit to D&CGH and you do so at your own risk.
D&CGH does not knowingly collect any information from persons under the age of 13. However, be forewarned that if you are a minor and you tell us you have a crush on Becky Sandler, we will tease you about it.
USERS AND MEMBERS OUTSIDE THE US:
Our site is hosted in the United States. If you access our site from any country with laws or regulations that differ from ours, please be advised that you are transferring your personal information to the United States.
—- Thank you for not reading this. If you did read this, take two aspirin every four hours until the headache goes away.
Sincerely, Ted Bergman